To the One Who Promised Me Forever

I’m not going to chase you anymore kasi nakakapagod din.

I don’t know what happened to us. I thought everything was perfect. Pero bakit ganun? All of a sudden you told me na ayaw mo na? Sumusuko ka na.

Everything about us is okay. My family loves you, your family loves me. We love each other. We are each other’s bestfriend. We share no secrets. We are having fun. Wala tayong mabigat na pinag-aawayan. Actually, wala nga yata akong matandaan na may pinag-awayan tayo. Pero what happened? Bakit biglang ganun ang nangyari?

You told me I am your first and last love. I am your one true love. I am the one you want to spend your life until the day you die. You promised me forever na magkasama tayong tatanda. You love me like no one else could. You are the sweetest and loving person I’ve ever met. I couldn’t ask for more. Masaya na ako sayo. We already planned for our future, how many kids we will have, the interior of our future house and our life together. Everything is almost close to perfection.

The happiest moment in my life was our wedding day. Even though it’s a simple gathering with our friends and families, we are so happy because the important thing is we love each other. When we found out that we are going to have a baby I am both excited and nervous at the same time. But everything was fine because you are there. You gave me the best support a wife could ask for.

Or so I thought.

When the day I gave birth you were not there. Wala ka sa panahong kailangang kailangan kita. 14 hours of labor is not a joke. Feeling ko mamamatay na ako. I keep on asking you to come but you said hindi ka makakaalis sa trabaho mo. So I endure all the pain alone. Pero hindi kita sinisi because I know how precious your work for you kahit na pakiramdam ko we are not your priority that time. All the pain was worth it when I saw our baby girl. She looked just like you. She is your female version and I am so happy.

I don’t know what happened. Bigla ka nalang nagbago. Hindi ko nararamdaman that you are happy now that our baby was born. I can’t see in your face the excitement that a father should have. Lagi na lang mainit ang ulo mo kapag umuuwi ka. Iniisip ko pagod ka lang. Maybe you are just stressed in your work. Until one day this officemate of yours called you at 2:00 midnight. Since you are already asleep I told her and ask if it was an urgent thing so that I can wake you up. She told me it’s not. Nakalimutan ko na ding sabihin sayo na tumawag siya because I already became busy the next morning. Nagulat nalang ako nung umuwi ka na galit na galit sakin. That was the first time that I saw you mad at me for a reason that I don’t know why. You told me na hindi ko dapat sinagot ang tawag ng officemate mo. You told me not to touch your cellphone. You told me not to touch your private things. For goodness sake I am your wife! I just cry that whole day. Hindi ko alam kung ano baa ng nagawa kong mali.

That’s the start that I saw the changes in you. Kapag tinatanong kita kung may problem ba laging wala ang sagot mo. Until one day you told me na ayaw mo na. Nakikipaghiwalay ka na sakin. I was so shocked! Wala tayong problema and yet nakikipaghiwalay ka? I asked why and you just simply told me that you don’t love me anymore! Ganun kabilis nawala ang pagmamahal mo sakin? You said that you are not yet ready to settle down. Bakit ngayon mo lang sinasabi kung kailan kasal na tayo? Sana noon pa hindi mo ako niyayang magpakasal kung hindi ka pala ready to commit! Two months palang akong nakakapanganak and you are already leaving me alone! You can’t even give a proper explanation why you want to leave. I asked kung may iba na ba and you said wala. You’re just not yet ready. When I reminded you that we are already married you gave me the most hurtful words that a wife could ever have. You don’t even considered me as your wife and our marriage is just a piece of paper. Why? Why did it happened to us?

I did everything that I could. Nagmakaawa ako sayo, lumuhod ako sa harapan mo, ilang beses kong sinubukang kausapin ka na kung may problema ay ayusin natin but you never listened to me. You already made up your mind without thinking of me and our baby. I was so depressed. I experienced postpartum depression that can make me go crazy. Fortunately I have the best support that I can have from my family and friends. I choose to be strong not just for me but also for the little one na umaasa sakin.

For a year wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang lumapit parin sayo kahit na harap harapan mo na akong itinataboy. I don’t know you anymore. The guy who promised me forever was gone. The guy who vowed to love me until the day he die was gone. And most importantly you just not removed yourself as my husband but also you removed yourself as a father to our child.

One year since you left me I decided to myself na tama na. I can’t chase you anymore. The more I chase you, the more you are running away from me. I told myself that if you really love me, you won’t leave me. Besides, for us ikaw lang ang nawala, but for you, kami ng anak mo ang nawala. You missed the chance of witnessing the development of your child. Her first smile, her first laugh, her first walk, her first words. You will never know the feeling of proudness that a parent could have witnessing their child grow.

I’m not going to chase you anymore kasi nakakapagod din but deep inside I was hoping. Hoping that someday you will realized that you still want to spend your life with us. Even though my family and friends already told me to stop hoping dahil ako din ang nasasaktan, I just can’t do it. Or maybe I decided not to do it. Because despite all the pain and heartaches that you gave me, deep inside I know that I still love you.